Doesn’t get easier with time

It’s going on 1 full year since you left and it doesn’t get any easier.  The past few days I’ve been miserable.  I feel sick to my stomach when I realize that you’re not coming back.  This time last year you were getting your lungs drained.  Your body was going through so much trauma then but at the same time I was content that you were still here walking on this earth with us.  It’s selfish of me to wish that you were still here suffering, but it’s the truth. I would rather have you here alive and going through chemo than not.

I miss the feel of your skin, your voice, your gaze, your love, your being.  I’m not whole without you by my side and it KILLS ME knowing that you will NEVER be here.

I wish you were here to see how much Summer has grown.  She’s almost 2/3rd of mom’s height and she knows how to read perfectly now.  I know how much you were worried about that.  She’s doing amazing academically and her personality is turning into a mini you.  She’s so giving and so nurturing just like her mommy was.

Even Dean still remembers you and he misses you so much.  I took him to a Ear, Nose and Throat doctor a few months back.  When we got to the hospital he was convinced that you were there and I had to open the doors to several of the rooms to show him that you weren’t here.  He remember going to the hospital to visit you.  He still thinks you’re in the hospital to this day because you’re sick.  He thinks that you have a nose problem because he remembers you with a nasal cannula.  I hope he never forgets you and he remembers that you loved him as if he was your own son. 

I miss you Jenn so much and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  I love you and I hope that you remember me when I go to Heaven.  I love you sweetheart. 

XOXO

Jane

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~ by savejenn on September 29, 2010.